Talking With Children About Sex

Talking with children about sex must be done when they are ready to learn about it. We usually know they are ready when they start asking questions.

Overheard at dismissal time:

Trisha, 5 years old: Mommy, have you ever had sex?

Mommy: Yes, three times. Now get in the car...

Faced with this question, most of us parents would probably turn red and lose our nerve. It is something we feel awkward talking about with children. We dread the thought that our children will eventually imagine mommy and daddy doing this in order for them to be born. We anticipate the "yuck!" or the "ooohhh..." from our children who, in reality, ask sex questions with innocence and without shame or embarrassment.

Since we are our children's first teachers, the fact remains that we too, are the best teachers of our children about sex. Talking with children about sex requires that we must have had ample experience on sex and must be comfortable about our own sexuality. It is therefore a letdown that my first exposure and lecture on sex education was in school with my Religion teacher, a Benedictine nun. I was then, already, 10 years old. While we talk about sex education in schools, we are very well aware that the most difficult questions begin at home, at a very early age.

Talking With Children About The Body Parts

Children are naturally curious. At age 2 or 3, they will want to know about their body parts and their names. When it comes to their private parts, we usually give nicknames. Why? Because we feel embarrassed about them and this embarrassment is conveyed to the child. Would we rather have our children learn vulgar terms such as "cock", "dick" and "pussy" before they learn their real names? They will only result in a lot of confusion for the children. It does not take long to get used to their universal names and eventually, these nicknames will sound barbaric to you. We can use "vulva" which is the female external genitalia. "Vagina" is the canal connecting the uterus and the external sex organs. Kindergarten teachers, however, incorrectly use "vagina" to mean the external genitalia. On the other hand, we can use "penis" for the male external genitalia. An important reminder though. Present these names matter-of-factly, without the giggles or blushing, or you fail to send the facts as they really are-facts.

Together with learning their names, children will naturally want to explore them in their own bodies or in another's body. I have had pupils peeking under my skirt or laying a hand on my frontal parts in candid curiosity. Though I get initially perturbed, scolding them or making them feel ashamed for it is certainly not the right way to deal with it. "Teacher, why do you have bigger breasts than mine?" my little girls usually ask. "Our body parts become bigger as we grow, and that includes the breasts," I reply. No more, no less. We cannot give the children more than what they ask and higher than their level of understanding.

Self-touching, is it normal? I had a 2-year old nephew who was so fascinated with touching his penis at bath time and watch it stand stiff and erect on occasions. While this may cause some to worry, we may choose to casually ignore it or acknowledge it that while we know it feels good, it must be made clear that it is an activity that must not develop into a habit and has to be kept private. It is all part of the exploration process which usually manifests as play for the child.

Talking With Children About Where Babies Come From?

Now, take a deep breath and go for it! When my daughter asked this question, I asked back, "What do you think?" just to check and reassure myself that my answer will be good enough for her. I use the fancy egg story for 2-3 year olds, crude as it may sound. I learned this from a child development specialist. The story goes that babies come from an egg that daddy puts in mommy's stomach which grows bigger as time passes until it is ready to come out. We can leave out the scientific facts or the details about lovemaking when not necessary.

If we still feel uneasy talking about sex with our young children, there are now great books for children which explain the facts and which we can leave lying around the house for them to read. A good book we can try is "Let's Talk About Sex" by Dorling Kindersley. We can dip in it together when they're younger, then they can read it themselves when they're older.

Refrain from using animals such as dogs to explain sex or you will be in big trouble when your child sees the dog having sex anywhere, anytime, in any way and with any dog! It is important to convey the moral context of sex to our children. Sex is something to be shared with someone you love and are committed to. However, avoid giving too many moral lectures or you will bore the children.

Looking back to my childhood, I realize I never asked my parents questions about sex because I feared they might scold me for it. But it is important to talk with our children about sex even if they don't ask questions. They could be ready to learn about it at their own level of understanding. Remember that "sex talk" is not only about lovemaking. Sexuality and gender issues begin at birth when babies start exploring their bodies. There is no perfect age for sex education.

So mommy and daddy, are you up to the task?

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